January 31

You said, “I love you as much as I hate you.” I understood in that instant what you meant. I wanted to embrace the dual sides of your feelings but I stopped myself. Though this kind of love seemed strange and tempting to indulge in, it wasn’t healthy. It showed the promise of adventure under the guise of abuse. It would leave me second guessing everything you would say or do. And, anything I say or do would be interpreted in love or hate, I would never know. It is like a coin tossed in the air with me guessing which side you’d catch. I would hope to be understood in love, but the coin wouldn’t have flipped in my favour. And, I wouldn’t be prepared for the hatred that would pour out of your heart. This would never change. And I would still love you. That would never change either. Someday, it would be the death of us and I wouldn’t want it for you or me. 

So, when you said to me that night, “I love you as much as I hate you” I simply smiled and waited to see what you’d do next. You never showed up and that sealed it for me.

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